it appears to be...

am i on my own?

its another one of those times.

one of those moments which bombard you with so much emotion.

so much that you cannot comprehend what's going on,

and you're forced to sit down and think through what's going on in your life.

yea its happening to me now.

i realise all i blog about is emo stuff.

so pardon me if i bore you with all this nonsense.

cause my life, if you know me, is an open book.

i'm a loose canon if you would have it,

telling everyone and anyone

who will listen;

about what's going on in life.

heh i even think my life is defined by the friends i spend my time with.

back to the matter

i lost my iphone a week ago.

and.

why can't people just be more understanding and just, nicer?

1) your random pedestrian on a singapore street is probably inconsiderate, walks slow (i would like to punch slow walking people at the back of the head - have you joined that facebook group?), knocks into you, pushes past you or something. without batting an eyelid. cause they're not courteous enough. these people are the reason why singapore is not a first world country - because we're a country with first class facilities but third class citizens.

2) everyone around me seems to want a piece of me. i'm too busy. too busy to even take a break and go to the gym. i'm going out of shape. and people are extremely mean, people are demanding. CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I DO NOT JUST DO WORK FOR YOU?!?! nus stage people are so demanding - when they in their own work, don't deliver. aunty lily pissed me off i replied in kind. and some people just find me too busy to hang around.

i'm too busy.

too busy perhaps to even hang out with some of my friends.

i'm supposed to meet nuha for lunch, 

marcus c. for coffee,

supposed to have lunch with joanne and sabng.

ben and i are supposed to meet up,

and i haven't hung out for gerald for more than 5 minutes in the past what, 2-3 weeks? of course he's different. he's got a special someone to spend time with.

i cancelled on dinner with kristen last monday, probably have to again this week.

i don't know what to do.

on a brighter note, i had a gig at ngee ann today with the church guys.

which went really well.

i'm quite pleased with that.

and i bumped into marcus c. too so it ain't all to bad.

now back to the books.

no time to lose.

i feel like a tightly strung piece of wire.

that recoils and cuts just anyone around me.

sigh.

emotion. struggle. resignation.

the song in the previous post was posted due to me being emo and not having time to express it. so i just jotted down 'em lyrics real quick and went on with work.

i was feeling down - still am - over a few things in life that i had no control over. that i am forced to accept and be resigned to. and right then the song was sufficient.

god's grace is enough. for me. it is definitely more than sufficient.

and unless my god says otherwise. i will believe and have faith in what he's said to me before.

i will wait on him. no matter how hopeless circumstances seem.

would you draw near again, god. and in your presence renew me.

i will fall on my knees at your feet.

i will fall on my knees in worship.

and worship you with all i am, here.

i am restored and i am redeemed.

my response;

i will fall at your feet and worship you.

and for awhile that was enough.

im an emotional wreck now though. why.

i really can't put my finger on what triggered it. i may have a vague sense.

but its nothing i have control over. so why am i so upset?

if i knew i wouldn't be doing this now no? being emo and blogging about it.

i remember what denzil used to tell me back when we were best friends in sec school...

"life cannot always be how you want it sherman"

i hated it when he said that.

maybe cause he was right. maybe cause i didn't want to agree with him but he was right.

life is going great for me, gerald says. and i think about it and i cannot help but agree!

just last week i was telling my lifegroup and people on the worship team that it's been blessing after blessing for me ever since i started school in may.

in no particular order:

my uncle sponsored a macbook pro out of the blue,

i scored reasonably well for my special semester;

 A- for media writing, B for philo and B+ for geog.

i got to be the best freshie for arts camp!

took part in arts rag and we won best float!

michelle felt i was good enough to be an ogl for oweek!

- and i was blessed with friends and seniors who helped hold the fort when i was ragging and mugging for exams!

i made heaps of friends in the process...

i made a friend i could trust with my life; kristen.

my mom queued for three hours and spent a bomb to get me an iphone.

i was blessed with the opportunity to stay on campus and not travel so far.

i could take on a slightly lighter workload this sem cause i did special sem.

my parents silently and supportively provide for my school, hostel and living expenses.

i got into dance blast and am in nus stage.

i lost my watch and was blessed with a new one!

i am really really blessed! out of my socks blessed! by why am i upset still?

why am i not satisfied?

is it cause i desire someone to share it all with?

at the risk of sounding freaking ungrateful,

maybe to me, it matters not that i have all this, because there isn't anyone to experience all of it with.

do not get me wrong. i am amazed by all the good things i've been given.

i need to stop fighting and just accept it. resignation.

this is our god

Your grace is enough

More than I need

By Your word I will believe

I wait for You

Draw near again

Let Your Spirit make me new

I will fall at Your feet

I will fall at Your feet

And I will worship You here

Your presence in me

Jesus light the way

By the power of Your word

I am restored

I am redeemed

By Your Spirit I am free

I will fall at Your feet

I will fall at Your feet

And I will worship You here

Freely You gave it all for us

Surrender Your life upon that cross

Great is the love poured out for all

This is our God

Lifted on high from dead to life

Forever our God is glorified

Servant and King

Rescued the world

This is our God

-Hillsong Music Australia, This is Our God (2008)

schooool...

haha i was just looking at the blog entries so far, july (15). august? only a pathetic (2). so sad! that needs to change! heh. anyways. its the third week of school and im behind in readings already!!! speaking of readings, wah i think i'm dropping pl2131. the level two psych stats module... no point mugging so hard for it, if i'm not gonna major in psych in the end!!

i dont want to sound too egocentric or something along those lines, but i really like walking along the arts corridors and saying hi to like about 4 people. its super fun! like. ya! just makes me feel really nice. haha.

my clustermates and i just cleaned our kitchen! the smell of the fridge is like WHOA. seriously. its so much cleaner now. i dont get how i could've survived drinking directly from my milk carton after its been there. none the matter, its good now. (=

i love my parents. they got me and my sister an iphone!!! i'm really happy. still over the moon! my mom especially. i dont know what i'd do without her. she's amazing. she queued up for three hours at singtel! and it cost a bomb )= but its worth it. i really wanted it ever since i ord-ed. just that it wasn't available in singapore.

really really glad i bumped into nuha at the central library yesterday. haha. i was just coming out of the toilet and found that girl really familiar! heh. she's looking so good! (=

and i got into dance blast!!! whee.

anyways... i think there's more to blog about, but i gotta go read! readings have taken over my life!!!

the shroom has been reading ALOT

an update.

i just washed my clothes, but because the coin-changing machine broke down i could only wash them but not dry them. wth right, i know. and so my room is full of damp clothes that need to be dried. strewn/hung/draped over every possible surface. i'm upset with a certain someone. )= "i don't feel like talking to anyone" that person says. well i'm not just anyone!

reflecting over the past few hectic weeks that was oweek+my st2 exam+rag got me to find out - to know - that i am tremendously blessed. i'm blessed with the friends that i have, from rag and church and a few others. i'm blessed with gifts, and the opportunities to use them. i'm blessed with grades which are more than mediocre. i'm blessed with a comfortable life.

mercy is god not giving us the bad we deserve

and grace is god giving us the good that we dont.

i know someone more poetic than me can phrase it better. but you get the gist.

grace.

we are saved - by grace. and we're living - in grace. that's what god's been saying to me from yesterday. and i sing 'all i want is you, god' but god sings a song back to me. to all of us. he says that all he wants is us. is me. that blows my mind. really. that he accepts me for who i am. i don't have to be anyone else. just being myself glorifies him. just being myself is good. i am amazed, god. thank you.

the first week of lessons have been great! so fun! until friday when i discovered i misplaced my watch. )= upset. cause my mom got me that for my birthday. and it was a nice watch. but i got a new watch now, thanks to meiling! (=

uni is expensive. i've spend a hundred plus already? all on texts and course packs... phew.

alright time for a nice warm shower. if i think of anything else to blog about, i will.

i have a blog but i haven't been using it.

yup.